Cyber bullying: Not “Real” Bullying?

While it often feels as if children are the experts when it comes to communication technology such as cell phones, instant messaging, and social networking, it is the trusted adults in their lives who are the experts in helping them navigate the emotional realities which arise from using it. Children need guidance about how communication technology impacts their social worlds, and the best ways to build and maintain respectful relationships with others.

One of the most important concepts to consider when discussing cyber communication is disinhibition—when people say or do things online that they wouldn’t in “real life.” Some kids benefit from this, such as the poet who is too shy to read her work at in-person event. She may instead share her poems via a poetry website. Unfortunately, disinhibition can also manifest in ways that lead children to forget that they are communicating with another person. They may verbally abuse others and act in ways they wouldn’t if they were face-to-face with their targets. This has led to increased cyber bullying among children: insulting, harassing, and even threatening each other through Internet technologies.


While some adults are very concerned about how to stop cyber bullying, there are others who do not understand why it is such a big deal. For these adults, violence that isn’t physical in nature isn’t “real.” They can’t understand why kids don’t just shut the computer off or ignore the mean texts messages. After all, it’s not as if the bully is right outside the door of their home or waiting for them in the school parking lot. However, all adults need to understand that the physical locations that were the center of their adolescent social lives now exist virtually for their children. Asking cyber bullied children to “just log off and ignore it” is like telling them to miss the big game, stay home from the latest party, or avoid the newest hangout. While having children ignore cyber bullies can curtail a particular interaction, it cannot take the place of dialogue about appropriate online behavior.


Adults need to understand that cyber bullying is very real. They need to act quickly when they discover that a child is being cyber bullied—or cyber bullying. An awareness of the behaviors which may suggest that a cyber bullying situation is taking place enables trusted adults to take actions to help children, as well as create longer- term strategies for peaceful conflict resolution.


Alison Trachtman Hill